Tuesday, September 19, 2006

time

Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.
- William Penn


I have been thinking alot about time lately. How I spend my time in particular. I feel most days I rush through my day doing things and end up wasting a ton of time adn not really accomplishing much. Time I could have spent cleaning, playing with the girls, spending with Greg... I just waste a lot of time every day and that bugs me.

When Greg began this journey, of his dream of becoming a doctor, we always heard that it's tough and there's not a lot of time left in each day for fun things. Looking back on the past nine years we have been doing this, I haven't felt that we didn't have TIME for things. Of course there were days when I would barely talk to him on the phone let alone see him. But these instances were not happening day after day after day. There hve been really good times where Greg would be home really early every afternoon and we did fun things with each other and as a family. Since Greg began his fellowship in August, those times are pretty much nonexistent. His schedule is pretty hectic and leaves him being home only about an hour each night(at least two nights he doesn't even make it home) while I'm awake. We briefly discuss our day and maybe watch something on tv before he is in bed trying to refuel for his early mornings and long nights.

I don't want to come across as being negative, more than anything I want Greg to know how grateful I am for his hard work, determination, patience, sleepless nights, non stop service for patients and for our family, and for the time and energy he puts into his work, and the stress that comes from it. I feel terribly guilty everyday knowing how hard he works for us to have things we have and for us to do the things we do. All the while, I am home taking care of the girls, doing homework, driving my taxi, and on most days doing at least one fun thing, even if it is just going to Target. I obviously have the easier job even though somedays I say I would have rather been working somewhere.

I have been trying real hard to make better use of my time so that the little amount of time he is home I'm not up cleaning, blogging, reading..., but I'm totally into him. I have been at a lost lately without him to trudge along through my days with. He makes me complete and makes me smile. Without him around much I have found myself frowning more than just a little lately.

Well...the post isn't flowing as well as I thought it would so I will spare you anymore of my sad saga story about time terribly spent.

Any advice on how to better use my time? How do I function without the

love of my life around much?

5 comments:

Jenny said...

I know it must be a BIG bummer when Greg is gone so much of the time. That is truly why I told Doug to NO WAY call Greg to help with the move. However, I know that Greg has a hard time saying no and still went. I must admit I admire him for all the stuff he does with your girls and you when he is incredibily sleep deprived. I wish I had a wand so that January would be here soon for you guys. I seriously dread next August even though I know deep down it will be a good experience for Doug. Hang in there and big hugs from me!! I heart you! Even though you didn't get any fruit cups like me. Hee Hee :)

Jill said...

It's amazing to read about the lives of all of you doctors' wives, it's interesting and humbling. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have your husband gone almost all the time, but I can also see that it's a great opportunity for you to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and how you're going to spend your time.

One of the talks in church on Sunday was from a recently returned missionary and he was saying that "we love what we serve and we serve what we love," so we should check what it is we serve. This was kind of an ah-ha moment for me because I realized I'm not "serving" my scriptures regularly or attending the temple either. I generally feel like I'm doing well with my family, friends, and church callings, but there is a definite void in my own spiritual development.

So pretty much what I'm saying is, are you taking time for personal scripture study and prayer? I know that when I'm doing those things well I feel happier, more energetic, and better able to cope with my life. It also helps me be more in-tune with The Spirit so that I can "see" what my kids really need and how best to nurture them.

Allison M. said...

So sorry about not having Greg around. I dread going back to NOLA, because I know I will never see Richard. I try and think it will be good career wise for him, but at the same time it makes me sick.

I agree with what Jill said when I am feeling a little blue. I try and do a little service. It gets my mind off of me and on to someone else. I need to better as well about serving myself. i always feel better when I am in tune with the spirit.

Good Luck! Remember you are not alone in this, there are many people that care about you and your family.

Kristi Brooke said...

Angie, my heart goes out to you for your feelings you are having, but i will say they don't go away when "it is all finished" new stresses come, decisions, etc. It won't be we don't have any money but how do we spend the money we have.

I actually have a lot of advice on the subject and have always said I would love to write a book to the medical wife, but just a little teaser...
your identity won't come from their job. I know that is so hard because it can feel like your life is on hold while they do theirs but it is all a matter of perspective. I have done many a self talk in the mirror and positive attitude checks to keep myself afloat.

Don't let yourself ever feel guilty. The work you are doing is amazing, fun, exiting, and the fact that it involves Target I say embrace that that is part of your day. A righteous mother will raise generations. The work you do day to day will affect your children's children for the good or the bad, so I say do the best job you can do. (and it sounds like your are)

It was part of Heavenly Fathers plan that you were to raise His children, I always think of that when I look at my girls and say "what would Heavenly Father want me to say to your right now?' I feel so lucky that I get to do it and not someone else.

I know this is hard advice and hard to believe but their are husbands busier than ours, out of the home more and in 10 years will be doing the same thing. I know that may not be what you want to hear, but I used to think of that all the time on the hard days and the 120 hour weeks.
It is hard, it is tiring but look at the bright side that this is a wonderful time to find YOU and strengthen you. And such a great way to teach your chidren (who are always watching and listening) such wonderful lessons.
I could go on and on... more to come in your mailbox.
You are doing a great job!

pam said...

Just tonight I was talking with my fellow (PICU) about the blogging circle of friends that I have and that there was a group of wives that are supporting their husband while they finish residency/fellowships. We talked at lenght about the time committments, the demands, the crazy hours, no sleep, zombie like states, the so not normal way of living and what an amazing blessing it was to have such a strong support system at home waiting for them. It is a long journey but a journey none the less.

I benefit from the sacrifice that you make, I benefit from the sacrifice that all MD/DO wives make! How grateful I am when I come to work and know that I have a fellow on, I know that no matter how busy or crazy my night gets, it will go smoother simply because I have a fellow on with me. So thank you for your sacrifice.

I also know that the Lord knows us individually and knows personally of our struggles. Take this time to get to know you and enjoy your family and laugh with your girls, enjoy the Target. And pretty much ditto for what KBC said.

You are loved and have people out here cheering for you. Just put one foot in front of the other, a go one day at a time.