14 years ago this month..............

So many people comment to me about my weight. It really makes me feel self conscious about it actually. A lot of times I never really know how to respond and I feel dumb saying anything back. But, without too much explaining I came across this picture dated 9/92.

This was me 14 years ago when I was 20 years old.

I was immediately flooded back with memories. I had graduated from high school two years before, and had gone to Utah to UVCC (I didn't have the grades to get into BYU). I was a very shy, naive, small town Texas girl trying to find who I was and where I was going. Well, where I was going was home after I stayed the two semesters I promised my parents I would stay. I didn't do that well in school (actually I did horrible), I skipped classes not only because I didn't like school, studying, taking test, but because I was miserable.

After making it home a friend convinced me to go to SUU with her the next fall. What was I thinking? If I was unhappy in HAPPY valley, how could I be happy in Cedar City? This is where I could have been diagnosed with depression but never told anyone how I felt so no one knew. I ate to make myself happy. I have always been, and still continue to be an emotional eater, so everything that made me sad, mad, stressed, glad, would cause me to eat. I felt food was my one and only friend, on most days, when I was living in Cedar City. I continued to be very shy and kept to myself. I hated, and somewhat still do, to be outgoing and to make new friends. I never dated, rarely went to any school or church activities, I was just living day to day until the semester was over. It couldn't come fast enough on most days but I didn't want it to come on the days I thought about arriving home. I was terrified at the thought of stepping off of the airplane and seeing my parents. What would they think to find the 120 pound daughter they had sent off to college return as a 150+ pound stranger? I felt helpless, alone, and unloved. After being home, I continued to be heavy and I maybe even gained a bit more, before finally deciding I was done being sad.

I remember wanting to be married in the Temple and to be a mom and feeling these two things would make me the happiest. First, I knew I wanted to lose weight because if I stayed the way I was I would have remained this sad, negative, person that could cause me to never find someone to love and someone to love me. I didn't reach my goal weight before I started dating Greg but was down about 35 pounds. I didn't really lose anymore until after I had our first daughter, Mackenzi. I lost another 5 pounds and stayed that way until I became pregnant, 2 1/2 years later. I was pretty sick for the first 4 1/2 months of the pregnancy so I lost weight and then ended up not gaining a lot with that pregnancy.

After we moved to San Antonio for residency I really felt good about who I was and the way I looked and wanted to continue to feel that way. We joined a gym and I went occassionally, but I wasn't killing myself over working out because I felt I didn't really have alot to lose. I have a always been a burger and fries girl and felt I gained 4 or 5 pounds when I ate things like that. It didn't stop me from eating them, but if I knew I would be eating something like that at dinner I would purposely not eat much all day. I know this isn't the healthiest way to go about this but it seemed to work for me. I also switched to diet coke rather than regular, after I started counting the calories I was taking in just on sodas. By woking out and drinking diet sodas I lost down to the least amount I had ever weighed. I got pregnant with my last daughter and ended up gaining the most with her, but lost it all after breastfeeding and exercising.

Me now, 34 years old and 40 pounds thinner.

In saying all that, I will say since I met and married Greg I am happy I am not the person I was back then. My self-esteem is WAY better than it used to be. I still complain about the way I look somedays, but am trying so hard to love me for me, not for the way I look or how much I weigh. Therefore, looking back at this picture reminds me of the person I never want to be again. Not because I was bigger, but because of how I felt inside. The funny thing is now I am completely the opposite and overall feel better when I workout. So, when people make the comments about my weight I can honestly say I have been there and know how hard it is to loose it. It took me nearly 9 months of eating PLAIN chicken and white rice EVERYDAY to loose the first 35 lbs. And well, now I am just paranoid I will someday revert back. So, when people are trying to loose weight I just want to say I understand how hard it is because I have been there once myself.