Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Disturbed


This is a word that best describes me as of late. Not for just one reason or another, just because, I guess. Life is too short to be selfish, but I warn you beforehand this may be a selfish post, something I would not consider myself to be, normally.

I feel my life has been blessed far more than I feel I deserve. I'm healthy. I was raised by wonderful parents and had great siblings. I married the man of my dreams and have been blessed with three healthy girls. I've seen many places and experienced things, some of which have been great and others I would have rather never happened. So if I feel so blessed with the things I have why, oh why am I about to go here. I've tried to talk myself out of psoting this, but it keeps coming back to me, so I'm just going to get it off my chest and hopefully, if nothing else I will feel better, just because.

How much is enough? I ask myself this question several times throughout my days. I feel I am trying my best at doing things I should be doing. I try each day to be a better daughter, sister, wife, mom, and friend, but admit I fall short more times than I would like. I keep telling myself I'm trying and that's the best I can do. A few days ago, I caught myself asking the question, "Why am I being punished?" I gasped, as I stopped in mid-thought. Am I really thinking this way? A few things came to mind about why I was thinking this. For a few reasons I have thought someone is out to get me. I think life is unfair to me and overly fair to others. Why do I compare? There have been a few things happen in our life that have seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. They are things we have survived through thus far, but still ask why do these things happen to us. Bad things happen to good people and worse things happen to people much better than us. I thought about the few trials I've been handed, knowing there are people that are going through worse things than I. I felt ashamed for thinking someone is punishing me. I just need to remember to look at the big picture of life and see I have been given so much. I need to gain a little faith and realize the trials that are given to us will make us stronger, better people in the end.

How much is enough? I asked myself this question again today as I was leaving HEB. I had been out doing a little last minute shopping before Easter and remembered I needed a few things for Kristi's chicken salad recipe. I was near the big marketplace HEB that I normally don't go to, because it is in a different area of town I don't travel frequently. It was nap time for Maryn, so keeping her sane was a difficult task. I ran through the store, not being familiar with where things are located and couldn't find a few things I needed and didn't want to pay the price they were asking on others. I was quickly getting disturbed. In the mean time Greg called me on my cell phone discussing his night on call and his frustrating clinic. I was trying to be supportive while trying to make him feel better, when Maryn decides to purposely kick her flip flops off. I knew she kicked them off but I wasn't quick to grab them before she was screaming and several people were telling me "Mam your daughter's shoe", all while probably looking engrossed in my phone conversation. I quickly hung up the phone to avoid anymore evil looks. As I rounded another isle, off came the flip flops again. URGH!! I said, probably louder than I should have, this caused more looks. As I was deciding what cereal to choose, a lady says to me, "Your daughter has a big cut on her foot." "Yes, I know" was my response. I stopped myself before I explained to this strager how she has really bad exema. Her shoes irritate her feet, hence the flip flops that I keep losing throughout the store. She's being tested for allergies, since she has had this since she was born... Why did I need to tell this lady how or why her foot looked this way. I almost thought I needed to let her know the bruises on her arms were from the blood tests she had for the allergy testing not from some sort of abuse. My being disturbed was getting worse and worse, so I quicly ended my shopping. At this store I had parked on the side you enter, and forgot I would be pushing a cart full of groceries and Maryn over several speed bumps when I came out, on the other side of the store. As I manuevered the cart over a speed bump my two twelve packs fo Diet Dr. Pepper crashed to the ground. URGH!! Flew out of my mouth once again as I was holding up traffic. Finally I made it to my car loaded my groceries, put the cart away and was getting Maryn into her seat, when out of the corner of my eye I saw someone approaching me. I looked up to see a familiar face. No, not a friend, not even an aquaintance, but someone I have seen on several occasions. This lady and two school-aged kids(it is 1:30 p.m!) walked up to me and she asked if I could spare some money for her to buy groceries. I wanted to help her, kind of, but didn't have any cash on me. Nothing more than a little bit of change, and I figured that wouldn't help that much. I also thought, briefly, how dare she ask me for money, AGAIN! I have given to this lady several times at two different Wal-Marts and another HEB. I wanted to tell her that and ask her if she was for real. I know there are people out there that are suffering and needing, much more than I, but after the crap I just went through in the store, I had nada sympathy bone in my body. Selfish again, I know. I got in the car and reminded myself I have never been selfish before and tried to figure out why I was feeling this way, so often lately. As I was driving away I felt guilty and dug in the bottom of my purse to find one dollar folded up and decided I could give that to the lady. I circled the parking lot, but couldn't find her. I got a little sad thinking of my selfishness and wished I would have been Christlike and helped her out when she asked. I drove home thinking about being grateful for what I have been given and trying to not dwell on the challenges I face. I promised myself I would serve others without being asked, but especially when I am given the opportunity.

I answered my own question as I pondered it while driving. How much is enough? There's never enough giving, serving, loving, and doing. It's just what I am supposed to do. I shouldn't measure my contributions to my life and to others. I should just smile and be grateful for the opportunities I am given.

18 comments:

Jenny said...

You had a ROUGH day, give yourself a break. I am sorry about your experience at the store. I really wished you would have called me. Know you can NEVER bother me especially when frustrated.

You are more giving than you give yourself credit for. Much much more than I am. Remember the babysitting, bringing people meals, etc. Again more than I have done. I am glad you opted to write out the story--you should vent more often. Do you feel better now? I am assuming that's why you went to the gym this afternoon :)

becca said...

This post makes my heart hurt. I am so sorry you have been feeling "disturbed" lately. An experience at the store like that would put ANYONE in a foul mood...I would have been in tears!

My oldest daughter has terrible excema and food allergies and it took me so long to really get it under control. Her eyes used to get so red, she really looked like she was on drugs. The comments I used to get! I can't tell you how many times I got into my car and just started crying, it was "just too much" when someone questioned me, gave me a look or gave me some sort of advice. I always felt like my best wasn't enough...

I am really glad you took the time to write this, venting helps! I hope your day got better!

Lucy said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a crummy day and feeling crummy about it. I've been approached for money in grocery stores as well and it feels awful to not help but that is not the place for them to get it. But I'm sorry it added to your bad feelings.

I think sometimes, we are all a little bit picked on. But it always makes us stronger, more appreciative, more humble...a little closer to how we should be. Hang in there! The bloggers will get you through it!

Anna said...

I often ask myself this same question. What I've learned is that the other people that I view as having an 'overly fair' life actually have problems too, just like me. We all get our own experiences and problems...and though they are different from each other and seem to differ in degree of severity...they are still problems and trials to the person that is facing them. It is hard not to ask yourself that question, especially at times when life feels overwhelming. Sometimes I think that we ask ourselves that question to bring us to the point of clarity and reflection...so we then can see what we do have and how we are blessed. Sometimes all it takes is to have those days where you hit 'rock bottom' and then bounce back to your own 'normal'. Hang in there. :)

Carolee said...

Thank you for that post. It helps to read about others and how we all have the same challenges. I work everyday trying to just do my best and reminding myself that that is okay and enough.
Right now I am going thru a trial I never thought I would be going thru and it is so hard but the only thing that keeps me going is remembering all of my many other blessings.

carlo said...

funny how a few things piled on top of one another, higher and higher, can make you feel like it has pushed you over the edge

hopefully posting helped you feel better?

about the shoes, i wonder would Crocs help? feet can breathe in them and they have the heel strap. just a thought. my girls love them and with the school policy of no flip-flops, the crocs have been a help for us. especially the cute, mary jane style since they are even less of a shoe...

Kari said...

I can relate to the frustrations you felt in the store! And I believe that yes, it's good to help people but it reaches a point as to whether it's a hand OUT or a hand UP?

I do not know this lady's circumstance at all so I cannot say which one it is. That is sad. For what it's worth, I would have probably acted like you and then thought about it and then dug in my purse -- just like you did.

Janet said...

What a frustrating day at the grocery store! I am sorry-I hate days like those! As for the lady begging, unfortunately I think a lot of people who beg are begging for money for the wrong things such as beer or drugs-so instead of giving them a dollar-give her a burger from McDonald's or something. There is never enough you can give or do for people, but sometimes you have to draw the line-I have. I used to try to donate to different organizations, but then they just keep begging for more money, and I start to get overwhelmed. Give yourself credit for having a good heart and giving to those who don't have much when you can! And remember, you are a wonderful friend!:)

Bridget said...

Oh boy, that is just one of those days you want to yell "Do over!" I hope your Easter weekend is a time you and relax and rejuvenate. Take care hon!

Jill said...

I can definitely relate to feeling like someone is out to get me when rough or annoying things happen over and over again. Your trip to the grocery store sounds awful. I find that when I know I'm feeling irritable I try to avoid such errands. Of course, usually those errands aren't for fun, they're necessary but I can't stand how I feel when things are going that way for me so I do whatever I can not to make things worse. So in this case, I probably would have gone to the store by myself later or had Randy go to the store.

Other times things just seem crappy and I just go with it. It helps to send good mail (it really does) or to put on some great music and try to "will" myself out of my funk.

There is no justice in life, we all have our struggles and our blessings. I don't know how much is enough either.

shawnab. said...

Oh Angie! Bad store day! So sorry about it, about ALL of it. As I was reading your post, I kept thinking how much I wish I could've been there to help you! Sometimes I wonder why people have to be "so helpful" and let us know what is "wrong" with our kids (like Maryn's cut on her foot) when we obviously already know! So much unwanted opinions and advice! How well I can relate to that same type of phone call from the husband at work ... just got one of those today! I'm glad you made it out of the store and home safely and hopefully you were able to sit down for a minute and clear your head. I had to smile when I read about you driving around the parking lot looking for the woman asking for money. You have a kind heart, Angie. Here's hoping your next trip to the store finds Maryn with her shoes on - the WHOLE time - and no ARGH moments! :)

michelle said...

Yikes. Sounds like a very bad day. That feeling like someone is out to get you is Resistance with a capital R. Just remember that the adversary wants you to compare yourself with others, think life is unfair, and that your trials will overwhelm you. The Savior wants you to come to him and lay your burdens at his feet. You can handle it, you won't be given more than you can take, even if it feels like it sometimes!

I find that pausing to think about my blessings always helps me to feel better. I think you have a good heart and you want to do what's right, you're just feeling overwhelmed! Recognize where those feelings come from, and you're already halfway there. Here's to a better day!

Crystalyn said...

angie i have days like this all the time! i don't understand why people feel the need to let you know about things that you already know about. i have been through target several times with screaming children and i just keep walking as though nothing was going on with people giving me "the eye." they just don't get it. if they had been dealing with the allergy testing and skin cracking and everything else you had going on in that moment, they would have smiled to themselves and quietly moved on. i've been there.

i can beat myself up at times and so i'm trying to memorize this quote:

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew." ~ Saint Francis De Sales

I know we have good hearts and we just have to keep trying on days when life is "disturbing." Hope this weekend has been better for you!

(sorry if this comment doesn't flow...i've been working on it with two kids literally crawling all over me...not working so well)

Rachel said...

Thank you for your honesty! It's nice to know we're going through similar things and similar feelings...and it's ok. That's life! I'm sorry it was such a mess of a day! That's never fun! To better days ahead!!!

Laurie said...

I'm sorry about the frustrating feelings. It's good to know we all have these feelings at times. I definitely relate to the unwanted looks and advice about what is wrong with my children. I get it all the time. People seem to want to parent my kids for me as complete strangers. It's weird, it really is.

Kristi Brooke said...

Hippy hop, hippity hop.
Will the Easter Bunny stop?
Will he leave a treat behind,
An Easter basket for me to find?

I'll look over here,
I'll look over there,
I'll look behind things,
I'll look everywhere
I'll look until I find my treat,
And then I'll sit right down and eat.

Happy Easter!

Kari said...

HAPPY EASTER Angie and family!! I hope it is a GREAT one!

donna said...

I am so sorry to hear about you day. I know what you mean about just having enough and can’t take anymore. I have so many days like that. . I hope you knew that we all think you are a wonderful person. Stay strong and if you need to talk we are here for YOU!!!